We were asked recently at one of our major functions if regrets could become a stronghold in a marriage. We did not hesitate when we answered the question that they surely could become a major stronghold and could ultimately lead to destruction. Over the last twenty-nine years of ministry we have witnessed many marriages fall under this type of thinking and it needs to stop if you want to save your marriage.
What exactly are we talking about when we say regrets? Let us give you just one example. Let’s say a man (or a woman) has been married twenty years, has several children, and is now in the 35 to 50 year old age bracket. All of a sudden one of them starts feeling that they are unfulfilled. Their mate does not make them happy anymore. Then they start thinking about how it may have been if they had married someone else, maybe an old high school sweetheart. Or maybe they think they would have pursued a different career path if they had not married their present spouse. As they keep rolling these thoughts over and over in their mind they become even more convinced that the grass must be greener on the other side and they do not want to go through the rest of their life being unhappy. That is the type of escalating regret thinking that leads to divorce.
In the middle of this mental exercise it is not uncommon for these thoughts to be confirmed by some other source such as an old boyfriend, girlfriend, fellow worker, neighbor or other acquaintance. That is the way of the enemy. The computer social networks have made this even more common in the last few years allowing people to reconnect with old flames. The bottom line is that it is very easy to get deceived by your feelings and emotions. Professional counselors often call this a mid-life crisis but we have seen it occur in young marriages also. We call it being ruled by your flesh rather than by the Word of God. Marilyn Hickey put it like this, “Until you make the Word of God total authority of your situation, it is not going to be the total authority in your situation”. Feelings and emotions will rule and they will lie to you!!!! If you are a Christian you are not to go by how you feel, but by the Word that is real.
Regret thinking is a mental action that always requires one to look back. Looking back does not have a good track record in the Bible. Lot’s wife looked back and she was turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26). The Apostle Paul told us that we were to forget those things that were behind and reach forth to those things that were before (Philippians 3:13). II Timothy 2:22 says we are to flee youthful lusts. First Corinthians 13:11 tells us that when we were children we thought like children but when we became adult men and women we were to put away childish things. Think about that! A child wants to be the center of attention all the time. A child is only interested in getting their physical and emotional needs met. They are totally ruled by their flesh. They just want you to make them happy.
Let us also say that we recognize that all marriages walk through issues and transitions. Most of these situations are hard, emotional and will require sacrifice, humility and forgiveness. With that said, looking back and fantasizing about lost loves, old boyfriends or what could have been is a set up for disaster. There is no way you can have one foot in your marriage and one foot in regrets and expect success in your marriage. The Bible calls that being double-minded. A double-minded man (or woman) is unstable in all their ways and will get nothing from God.
If you are in this type situation, or know someone who is, the following are some suggestions of things that can be done to pull out of this destructive behavior.
- Ask God for wisdom (James 1:5-6, 3:17)
- Read God’s Word (especially related to marriage and covenant) (II Timothy 3:16-17) (I Peter 3:1-9) (Ephesians 5:21-33) (Philippians 2:2-5)
- Pray (Jeremiah 33:3)
- Realize that you have an enemy and he does not want your marriage to work and he will lie to you (John 10:10)
- Cast down every thought and imagination that exalts itself against the knowledge of God (II Corinthians 10:3-5)
- Get Christian counseling (Proverbs 11:14)
- Keep a thankful heart (Colossians 3:12-17)
- Cast all your cares upon Jesus (I Peter 5:6-8)
- Make the decision to get into your marriage with both feet and be single minded about it (James 1:7-8)
- Forgive your spouse!!! (Mark 11:25-26)
Rev. Ed & Cheryl Henderson
New Life Network, Inc.
www.newlifenetwork-org-staging.smwnm894-liquidwebsites.com
